I wanted to look awsym naked. Now I look bad in clothes.

In reality, I had a huge priority shift, and the gym stopped being fun. I don’t know why, but it did. It was a long time maintenance, and a slow creep up after that. Only recently has shit skyrocketed out of control. And now it’s under control, but the path down was much faster last time. I can’t handle that level of intensity at the moment, although I keep finding myself trying… like a friggin Alzheimer’s patient.

I’d prolly do best to count on doing very little and just eat low to compensate for that.

It feels like there’s so much to do, and so little time for it all. It’s not necessarily the case, I slack of a LOT, but that’s kinda in the vein of avoidance. Call it laziness or fear, it has the same consequence. School work is always last minute, training never gets done, code isn’t written, logs aren’t made, house isn’t clean, the grass becomes a pygmy village, and there’s never more than 2 ironed shirts at most.

I’ve severely cut back on hanging around here, huge time-sink that it is. The bright side is if I only stick to subscriptions (usually just people’s logs) then I can easily read on the touch, and checking the forums fits into smaller pockets in the day.

You know, all my real progress came before I started hanging out in fitness forums.

If I accomplish a lot, it sets a standard, and I feel guilty for slacking off. If I sit around and do nothing, nothing gets done, but at least I don’t feel …what? Inferior? Wasteful?

But I do.

School puts my life on hold, even though it was on hold before school, and in the end all it’s gonna get me is a BA after 7-8 fucking years. It feels pointless to do stuff now, but in reality there’s plenty to do now. If I do things right and stuff works out gud, I won’t actually NEED that silly degree. Does that mean I wasted years and a shitton of money on it?

It’s been a looooong time since I’ve worked up to “my potential,” as my grade school teachers called it. Thinking I’m prolly not good enough? Worried that I’m fabulous? I dive in to stuff and shit starts going well, and then I back off. No longer interested, want more free time, etc.

Really I want more time to relax without shit hanging over my head. The path to that is getting shit done. But I don’t, and avoid instead.

I can trace shit back and analyze myself all day, in the end I’m still a fat lazy bitch IF I don’t actually DO something about it.

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