impatient

I want to do everything at once. I want to be done with everything. I want to know more, be able to do more, and be totally productive with no downtime throughout my day/week/month. I’m also a lazy shit.

I think I’m going this next semester part time… something like 7-9 hours. I was gonna load up on a non-major necessary course and a course to potentially do a spanish minor. But that would give me over 12 hours, and no time for anything else, since I’d be doing plays (in or on, still takes work).

I’m learning to not try to juggle so much at once. If too many things are a priority, nothing is a priority. Then my priorities get picked for me. Classes/homework becomes a priority because of a deadline, not because I want to do it, but because I want a gud grade. Too many of those, and there’s nothing left of my day.

I’m armed with a new outlook and understanding about activity and diet. Too often people get stuck in the trap of working out hard and intense and aggressively and all that BS, and it lands them in a coma the rest of the time. Too often people think stupid things like a walk or some “fitness” video game or whatever are stupid and “not a real workout.” At best they’ll acknowledge that they’re better than nothing, but they don’t understand that they’re actually GOOD. This shit is something to do to keep you active throughout the day. It’s not for “exercise,” it’s for activity so you’re not on your ass. But these people are on their ass, because they busted themselves up during their workout, and now are too tired to do anything else. But they make themselves feel better because at least for that one 30-60 minute session 3x a week they worked hard. Getting an idea of how much that shit irritates me?

Anyway, the past 2 semesters things got bad for me, weight-wise and workout-wise. Always before I still occasionally did *something* here and there, but last year was mostly a big pile of nothing. I spent whole days at school till 10-1030, and sat on my ass through all of it. I didn’t have the time or energy to “workout” at school. Of course, I had the time for a nice walk somewhere, and it is a lovely area, but that isn’t helpful, right? Cuz, you know, it’s not a “real” workout. And walking doesn’t burn any calories for anyone who isn’t really obese.

In reality, it just didn’t seem like that activity would help “burn” the fat off. I don’t know if it would have, but it would have kept more fat from coming on. It wouldn’t have been taxing or tiring or even sweat inducing on many days (nice breezes at Peace) but that would have been a good thing. It would have been nice and mind clearing and energizing and given me picture fodder and inspiration and grounding during times when I really could have used it.

It’s hard being in your 30s going to school. Not grad school. Not continuing education at cc. School with a bunch of 18 year old girls who have no idea what life is actually like yet, tied up in their sorority dramas and boyfriend troubles and stupid shit that the rest of us know SO does not fucking matter. But it does matter to them. It’s important to them. But, it’s very wearing on those of us who know that in the grand scheme of life, it doesn’t frickin matter. They have a few years to learn that.

So I’m finding ways to limit the impact of school now. Because it’s not doing much for me in the rest of my life, except making it take forever before I get a degree. A couple studio classes and theatre will be enough stress, and still let me go ahead and get real work and learning done in things I won’t learn in school anyway. Noone has to learn html and css to get a graphic design degree at Peace. You use computers, but most design is for print. There’s a course on designing for the screen, but from what I can tell that’s dreamweaver. And I already know how useless a designer can be if she doesn’t actually know how to do shit without all the nifty cheat tools that are available now.

But I’m learning to just settle down with a couple projects and do those before moving on. At least somewhat. I can’t work on 25 things at once, and it’s silly to try. It’s not that I’ve been trying, so much as I’ve been wanting to and feeling like I’m not doing enough because I only concentrated on 2 projects in a day.

And seriously, I don’t treat fat loss as a project. I should. It’s a project that requires plenty of time and attention and planning. It requires shopping and cooking and time for workouts (and the associated shower) and I don’t plan for it. I don’t treat it as something that requires a plan in the way I should. I did, I do sometimes, but not … not in the way I should.

There’s always other things that pop up with their own checklists. And those things are more satisfying to do because they can be “done” and because I can measure progress with them. I can with fat loss, but I’m not looking at it that way, so I’m not. I don’t always feel accomplished if I’ve worked out or gone for a walk, and it’s just as important as cleaning the garage or installing a ceiling fan (omg that is good to have off the list).

Fail to plan…

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