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bored in the barrel » Blog Archive

(originally posted @JP)

Well yesterday was a bust. At least I didn’t eat over, even though I was good and ready to. But by the time I got home to eat dinner (after previously eating at about 1) it was 10. I have a rule to not eat after 10, it pisses me off on the scale the next morning. So I did eat, but just enough to not pass out.

Pretty much all day yesterday was crap physically. I cycle every 3 months (instead of every month) and usually don’t have problems with cramps or anything, but yesterday I lacked any real energy, got more crampy throughout the day, had a constant headache, and went to bed drugged and miserable. Feeling better now, but that would be why the cardio that should have happened, didn’t.

Cats are doing well today. Stan was feeling better yesterday, but Flipper was sore and very lethargic and it really reminded me of how bad Mousie was the day we took her to the vet, but… I knew not to worry and it would happen, but it was hard. He’s much better today, been up and down the stairs even, and playing with new toys. Hell, this morning our bed was piled with and surrounded with kitteh offerings.

So today on tap is a cardio and a lift. Prolly will head to the gym with Otto for the lift, so I’ll do cardio at home during the day. I’ll need that separation.

164 today. So I’m almost back down to what I was at the start of the semester. I would really like to be down to 150 by the start of the semester, but at least I know I can manage to be IN the 150s. *sigh* I’m SUCH an idiot.

I know what a lot of my problem is, it’s that I’m a brat. I don’t want to have to spend the rest of my life with no candy. And my main real issue that causes me to gain isn’t even the food, it’s the inactivity. The real problem is that without the activity, my maintenance is so low that anything will start to throw it off.

But, with new focus on the workout being secondary to the activity, and knowing that’s really the important part, I can make it through the rest of school pretty ok. I can’t actually let myself do any kind of food-restrictive diet, because I already have one, it’s called being a vegetarian.

When I started HELL, it was fine when I didn’t have school, but the restriction of no grains meant no sandwiches. So there went a main source of easy food for me, and it got replaced with snickers, because it was actually allowed. The sammich and the snickers have the same cals. But then when the snickers becomes reeces cups, still the same cals, there’s nothing filling to that, just a sugar crash and huge bloodsugar dip.

There isn’t a good way for me to win with no grain, no beans diet, except at home, not with 8 hours of classes with only 5 minute breaks to move from one room to another.

But really, I’m just a brat. I’m literally the 5 year old that wants a cookie because she saw it. And if you tell her no, she just starts throwing a tantrum because she WANTS THE COOKIE. I know that 5 minutes later I won’t care. I know this. But I waaaaant it. It tastes good. I don’t like to be told no.

I can DO it. I can do it just fine, have done it many times, but it’s just that I want, and sugar calls to it’s own, so I want another one (or I can’t make up my mind and want both kinds). It pisses me off because it feels like if I had a real emotional attachment to food/eating it would be understandable and there would be some way to fix it, but no, I’m just a brat.

And again, I was just fine in maintenance so long as I had the activity. It kept me burning so I could have the occasional cookie/candy/cake, and it kept me from going overboard because of the general state of mind it induced. I only want one, because more than that and I’d have crash issues, and then I couldn’t work out or do stuff. But when I’m not doing stuff anyway…

I want to be done losing so that I can see just how strong I can get. Since I’m usually only lifting during a deficit, I don’t really gain anything. If I’d been lifting consistently these past 4 years and maintaining my weight and eating maintenance, I’d prolly be seriously frickin scary in my numbers. I kinda wanted that before, but I kinda didn’t… at least not enough to see that as a goal. But I do. I want to be under 130 and putting all but the strongest of guys on here to shame. I’m that much of a bitch. I want to know that I could break you. In 4 inch heels. But not a miniskirt, I’m over 30 and that’s just trashy.

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