Waiting, hoping…

…that tomorrow evening peace will come. That tomorrow night I can sleep. Without help, without anxiety or worry or fear plaguing me, poisoning me, keeping me in wakeful suspension, mind unable to rest as thoughts race in endless circles going nowhere, accomplishing nothing.

I’m so close to falling apart. I’m so cracked. So fragile. So tired.

Can’t sleep, can’t workout, can’t relax. Piling more guilt and worry and pressure. Unable to keep up yet doing fine, seemingly.

So tired of crap that just sits for years and years hanging over my head. Unable to resolve… unwilling to resolve… unknowing of how to resolve…

Fucking years. No wonder I’m so tired and frustrated and really just beaten down. Avoiding, pretending, ignoring… always nagging.

I just want it gone. I want to not need to worry. To have things taken care of and dealt with so that I can just manage to move on and have a fucking night’s sleep without somewhere in the back of my mind crap pushing forward for my attention.

I just keep sinking deeper and deeper into this pit. And every day I say I’m fabulous. Sometimes I am. When I forget for a minute, or when I somehow actually believe everything will be ok.

I’m not scared or depressed or anxiety riddled at the moment. I’m just fucking tired. I want to sleep, perchance to dream of something that isn’t obligation related. A nice flight over mountains and fields and water would do nicely. I used to fly all the time.

I finally got my car inspected. 4 months late.

I can’t tell if that’s a step in the right direction.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.