The real key

One big difference between when I get somewhere in my goals and when I stagnate and don’t is attitude. It’s really easy to get where you want to be when you only focus on yourself and don’t give a shit about the rest of the world. But as I gather and go out with friends, meet people, do things, etc… other people start barging into my little self-centered world such that I worry less and less about me and more about other people. I want to be nice and helpful, rather than bitchy and rude, and after a while I sympathize too much with the lazy shits and become that way myself. Well, something sorta like that, at any rate. It’s kinda hard to explain.

It’s just that it’s super easy for me to be a completely self-centered person. (Self-centered includes Otto, because after 13+ years it just naturally does.) It’s easy for me to just shut everything else out, so long as I do that. But, that also means Otto has to put up with an Aoife who doesn’t even bother trying to remember people’s names, can’t remember who is who among acquaintances, and never ever gets drunk.

Is it an all or nothing case? Sorta. I’m very good at being all about me. But I think I have an issue integrating other people into that because if I worry about other people, I worry about what they think, and eventually I start to worry about what they think about themselves in relation to others, and if I’m “better” than them I feel bad.

Damn that seems retarded writing it out.

Basically, my problem, in part, when it comes to integrating other people into my life and attention is that I’m not hanging with “the people I want to become” if you know what I mean. If I hang around unmotivated schmucks who perpetuate the illusion that there’s never any time to workout, I become one because it takes too much effort to constantly be the buzz-kill and because I had it drilled into me at a young age that I’m no better than anyone else so I shouldn’t use big words around my family.

I am leaps and bounds smarter, fitter, and generally better than most of my extended family (and most of my nuclear family as well, truth be told). And it was wrong for me to show that, to make them potentially be uncomfortable with the fact that they didn’t know what exonerated meant.

Therefore, if I am leaps and bounds more fit, or more dedicated to my own fitness, than the people around me, I can’t show it because I’d be showing other people up and making them feel badly or something.

Yes, it sounds self-centered. But deep down, I really am, and so either I use it to my advantage, or it pops up in weird-assed ways that are a huge disadvantage to me and my goals.

Ya, doesn’t make sense to write it out… I try, it no work. I got it straight in my own head, so that’s fine. Let’s just say it’s a similar situation to the dude who keeps drinkin with his buds, even though he doesn’t necessarily want to, because they’re not liking that difference, because it points out something potentially wrong with their behavior, even if it’s only wrong for the dude to himself, and therefore to not hurt their feelings, make them upset, or have them razz him about being a pussy and not drinking, he grabs a beer.

Fuck the damn beer. If I don’t want it, fuck it.
Hence, I need to be places with people who share my goals, not share my wallowing in my own laziness.

I may not fully get why I do some of this shit, but if I can see how I need to plow through it, I can. So I will.

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