Like a steel trap

One of the reasons I’m such a “procrastinator” is because of the way my irritating brain seems to work when I have a problem or something due or something that I’m working on. My fucking brain won’t let the damn thing go. I have a hard time sleeping because I constantly wake up because my brain is in overload and my fucking dreams revolve around whatever it is I have to fucking do. Writing a paper isn’t just about sitting down, coming up with ideas, and writing them down, then doing some editing here and there. From the point I start writing it’s fucking with me, constantly running through my head, even when I’m doing other things or sleeping. I keep having ideas, which I can’t always write down or anything, so they keep fucking cycling in my brain so I won’t forget them. I do forget them, however, and my brain fucking exhausts itself, so it’s all for naught and now I also have my brain trying to remember the idea that would make it all so damn easy/fit together/exactly express what I’ve been struggling to say/whatever. Whatever the damn thing is, if it’s deemed “important” it’s fucking stuck in my head.

So, in order to avoid this misery of this shit for 2 weeks straight or whatever, I spend very little time working on such things before I absolutely have to. I’ll come up with some stuff… sources, a bit of brainstorming, etc…. but once I start writing, it starts. Before that, I can ignore it. It doesn’t float in my brain as anything other than “must do X” and so long as it’s written down and I know this, I can allow myself to forget it.

My brain is absofuckinglutely fried. My paper, or course, is not finished. It’s kinda close, I have the minimum number of pages almost, but it’s only half written since I need 2 sources discussed and I’ve done nothing but introduce my second piece of criticism. It should be easy to finish writing up in no time and be done with it. But as I said… brain=fried=dead.

I slept like shit. My back is fucking knotted up and I can’t get it to relax as I bend over this machine typing and reading and shit. My shoulders hurt. It doesn’t help that I’ve been eating relatively like shit for a bit (these last few days have been better) and haven’t worked out in a bit (week or three). I’m utterly drained and I can only sort of pull together the wherewithal to actually work on this paper. And all that fucking is in my head are little infinite loops of how I’m supposed to connect it all together… in an amorphous blob that is a total pain in the ass because I only have a vague idea, but not really a concrete thing I can put down because every thought is a struggle to get out in the right words (or, at this point, words at all).

So I procrastinate to only have a day or 2 of this hell, instead of a week or two or a month or two.

I want to fucking cry. Not for any other reason than I’m tired and utterly drained and my shoulders and back and everything hurt and I need a damn massage and I have 6 hours to have this thing completely finished and be on my way to handing it in. Everything else is done. Nothing else to do but this. And I can’t fucking push through to finish the fucking thing because I’m so damn far gone.

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