What I want to be / What I want to do

This is something that’s kinda plagued me for a while now. In part since I was little, but certainly my whole adult life. I don’t really know what I wanna do. The problem is, I’m interested in everything.

That’s a huge bummer for me. That there’s all these interesting things to take classes on, and no time to take them (let alone money). I mean, I don’t need to be in school for the rest of my life for no particular reason other than to learn some crap for the fuck of it, right?

School, the homework and testing portions, is stressful. If it was just a bunch of workshops and lectures, it’d be swell. If it were reading and homework to do to make sure you understand stuff but not needed to be handed in, it’d be swell. But this bs of homework, papers, and tests suck ass. Hence, I don’t want to be in school forever.

But, I’m too lazy to study things on my own. Also, I like the perspective of a teacher. You know? I mean, I can read a book and pull shit outta it, but the perspective of someone who studies this shit for a living (at least at some point), the personal experience, it’s really useful to me.

I’ve always had people telling me I should do this or that. They seem to think I’m good at something or understand something or whatever, and therefore I should do it.

Except that I don’t want to be a psychologist/psychiatrist. I don’t like people, let alone crazy ones. (I don’t mean people who are really “crazy”… I mostly mean the rest of you weirdoes out there.) Sure, there’s a part of me that is interested in what makes people do the things they do, think the way they do, feel the way they do. But I think it’s more in relation to how it impacts me, ya know? I wanna know what the fuck makes person A fly off the handle so that I can not provoke that response when I’m not willing to deal with wading through a roomful of crazy. (And to those of you who think I’d use that sort of info to manipulate said person for my own amusement, shame on you. I’d never do it for mere amusement… most of the time. Personal gain, however…)

I’m interested in all sorts of things that way. I’d like to know about it. I’d like to know lots about it. I like to know lots about everything. I see tons of connections between various things in the world, in life, etc. I like to put all that shit together and have a better understanding of everything around me. Everything is connected, I’m good at seeing those connections because I’m a frikkin genius, and I find that shit intriguing. But, most of this shit I don’t want to DO.

Some things I just don’t want to do because knowing is more interesting than doing. Other things I don’t want to do because … well, maybe because that precludes doing other things. And sometimes I wanna do lots of different things. sigh

Seems like it was easier being a renaissance man back in the renaissance. I mean, science wasn’t so far advanced that you couldn’t know buttloads (relatively speaking, for the day) of stuff about tons of subjects. You could know about all these things, experiment in all these different things, bring your unique perspective to all these things, make connections, see solutions those steeped only in their specific niche may not, etc…

Or maybe I’m just romanticizing and idealizing the era. Maybe noone but a few special people have ever done that. Found a way to somehow meaningfully study and participate in all the various things that interested them.

I’d sure be nice to be independently wealthy, though. Then I could potentially at least try.

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