Never the same

I’m not really one to live in the past. It’s mainly useless and all, it being past and whatnot…

But sometimes I do find myself sorta falling into habits that used to give me something, only to find that they no longer do, but I keep going back because at one point it did.

You know, like the way I keep thinking that restaurant X is where I want to go only to then remember that the last time that place was worth it was the second time we went and it’s not been all that great since but I still sometimes wanna go because I remember that one time. Or because it reminded me of an actual good place that I can’t go to anymore.

That kind of thing.

I eat things, go places, want stuff… that I always find doesn’t do it for me… but I keep going/doing because at one point it was habit and it was what I did and it used to be something I liked/wanted. Even if I don’t want it anymore. Even if I know it’ll be rather unfulfilling or boring or whatever. There’s this irrational little part of me that seems to either forget that something sucks, or keeps thinking that maybe it’ll get better.

Not that it’s necessarily good for me to have/do/whatever anyway.

It’s like I’m looking for something I lost while doing a certain thing, but I didn’t lose it doing that, I just lost it at about the same time I was doing it and therefore I correlate the two even though I shouldn’t. Some things don’t bring me what I think I need, and I’m left with that d’oh feeling, because I knew better but chose to forget in hopes of finding something the way it was when I enjoyed it.

Like a hobby one’s outgrown.

I know I’m not the only person who does this, but it doesn’t make it seem any less weird or any less a waste of my time and energy.

I think that’s what often gets me doing these things. I’m bored, so doing something I know won’t get me what I want doesn’t seem to be much of a waste, since it’s not like I’m doing anything else at the moment anyway.

I do it with seafood, for instance. I know any fish or shrimp I get will make my body hate me… but every once in a while, I want it. Sometimes it’s because there’s really nothing else on the menu anyway; other times it’s just me being stupid and thinking that I want it. Funny part is… I’m really not a fish fan. It does nothing for me in that way. And, I can get my omega-3s elsewhere so it’s not like it’s necessary. Now, being a “vegetarian,” I don’t exactly partake often, and for really good reason, since it doesn’t agree with my system, nor my reasoning for not eating animal flesh. But every now and then it seems like a good idea and I know it’s not but I do it anyway and usually suffer the rest of the evening.

Hence, I’ve basically gotten over it. I don’t do it anymore, last time I didn’t have a choice, it was literally the most veggie thing on the menu, and I certainly won’t be going to that restaurant again.

But, there’s always something, you know? Something that I know probably won’t do for me what it once did (assuming I’m correct and it ever did anything for me in the first place) but I’ll try to tell myself that it’ll be different or something. Some random dessert that isn’t all that I remember, or some hangout joint that isn’t all that great… something.

I slowly break myself of these habits, but the real key in doing so is to try and identify what the fuck it is I think I’m gonna get out of the activity. And sometimes, I really don’t know. Some of these things I really don’t like, and I know that, but something is just seeming to tie me to them. It’s very odd.

Maybe some things I’m just not ready to let go of… or something. The security blanket that no longer does the job of keeping you warm but still has its pull… even though it’s holey and ratty and no longer soft and cuddly… Keeping it by my side until I’m ready to notice I’m holding onto it still, and it’s getting awfully dirty…

I see most things for what they are, but then I turn around and try so hard to see the good in them I’m forgetting that just because something is good for someone, doesn’t mean it’s good for me. And if it holds nothing for me and isn’t really a place I want to be, I prolly shouldn’t really be there. It may not hurt me being there, but it ain’t helping either. And there are plenty who would argue (me too at times) that anything that doesn’t help is taking the place of something that could help and so it hurts by the virtue of not helping.


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