Where I am

I do spend a decent amount of time examining where I am in life, on my path toward my inevitable demise… looking at how I’m doing. It’s weird, from a certain perspective. Weird, as in I don’t think I really would have been ok with who/what/where I am when I was younger. We all have a vision of what we’ll do in our lives… who we’ll be, what we’ll accomplish, where we’ll be when we reach certain ages, when we’ll hit certain milestones…. Housewife never entered the equation for me… and I certainly was supposed to be done with school by 30.

It used to bother me, this fact that I wasn’t conforming to the ideal I held when I was 16. Partly, it was simply a matter of having stagnated for a time, being overweight, depressed, and really not accomplishing anything. Now… now I don’t think it bothers me much.

Sure, there’s the times I wish I was done with school… the prospect of more and more classes and homework and crap is tiring. But… it doesn’t bother me from the “I’m not where/who I thought I’d be” perspective. When we’re young we have a rather simplistic view of the world… I certainly didn’t count on a lot of things happening… we never do.

When I sit and think about it though… I really do see myself as pretty happy. Having been for a time in a place where it seemed nearly impossible to be happy, I’m a little surprised that I am so now. I mean, even with the plague and the piles of homework and the things I fret over… generally I am a happy person… I am at peace with who and what I am, with the path I am on and where along it I am.

I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

I do seem to lack a bit of direction, it seems. But then again, maybe it’s compensation for being so driven toward certain goals that I’m not even sure were really mine when I was younger. Or, I suppose, it’s because I’m old enough to realize that the future is highly mutable. It’s prolly just my inherent laziness, though.

I no longer have illusions of being some great and wonderful being anymore… from a career perspective. I won’t find the cure for cancer, I won’t walk on the moon, I won’t be Daisy Duke. (Yes, Daisy was an option when I was four… what of it?) Considering I know plenty of normal, average, regular people, I guess it’s not a bad thing. It would be cool to be someone really awesome, but I think I missed that boat. I don’t think it bothers me… It would have when I was younger.

Housewife and average person wasn’t what I wanted. But I also didn’t have a wonderful husband when I was younger, so I guess it’s understandable.

There’s no point to this post. Just a bit of early morning introspection. I get like that in the mornings. Something about the sun barely being up just makes me think about my beginnings and where I am now. And the one thing I’ve learned, is that where and who and what aren’t so important to me… as being happy and healthy and sane.

Good morning.

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