The entirety of my world

Class starts tomorrow. It’s one class, a painting class, 4 hours a day, 4 days a week, for about 5 weeks. I’m torn. I want to take this class, it gives me near daily incentive to paint, without getting caught up in other things. It won’t really end my life, because I don’t have to leave the house till 130, and I’ll be home around the same time Otto is. I am, however, reluctant.

Why?
I’m sick of school. Not that I really am looking forward to life after school… but I’d really thought I’d be done in 2 years. It wasn’t until the middle of last year that I realized that in order to actually get a “2 year degree” in 2 years I’d have needed to have taken 16+ credits each semester, and a couple in the summers. So… I’m kinda bummed.

I’m taking out loans for school that will eventually have to be paid back and I’m not entirely sure of my ability to actually get a job after I’m done… hell… will I ever be done at this rate?

I think I’m generally adverse to the idea of working, mainly because I’ve never had a job that I’ve liked. So it all seems like some hopelessly endless drudgery that lasts 60+ years till you’re downsized. I guess that part of the reason I’m taking art? To potentially be lucky enough to not have to work for someone else forever?

So… in a way school was a way to avoid working, and yet get me to be able to work, since it’s near impossible to get a job without it being flipping burgers (yes, even retail is tough) with no education and no decent work experience in the last 8 years. Now when I apply for a job I have a convenient excuse of “school” for why I wasn’t working. Noone looks down their noses at that… not like they do with “housewife and cocktease”… ya know? (no, I never put “cocktease” on an application… maybe I should? Just to give someone a hearty laugh… or good shock…)

My current idea post school is actually for post Associates. Thinking that if (supposedly) that’s all you need for a substitute teaching gig (and, of course, a test or something), maybe try that out while I get the remainder of my degree.

Problem is I don’t know that I’m looking forward to any of my choices for my undergrad… State I just hate on principle… don’t even remember what principle anymore, and carolina is faar away (relatively). Peace was suggested as a place to try by my art instructor, which is very funny because it’s a xtian girls school. But, I’ll at least send in an app, because if they would actually take me on scholarship (prolly unlikely, but who knows) and pay my (outrageous) tuition, I’d go. They supposedly have done really well by their alumnae when it comes to placement post-degree.

State’s design school would probably make me take the entire art sequence, so it would take something like 4 years anyway… even with a prior degree to transfer in with. Perhaps not the most horrible thing, as it’d likely leave me with a year of just that kind of class, but still… 7 years for a BA? *major eyerollage*

Much as people I’ve talked to seem to look down on carolina’s program, it’s only because it’s more of a “fine art” program than a design program, which I’m kinda liking the sound of anyway.

On the one hand, state is closer. carolina has much better scenery/atmosphere. I think when it’s all over if I have to choose between the two I’ll prolly go to carolina, since the price is about the same as well.

I just don’t know what I really want to DO with myself when I grow up. It’s why I’ve resisted so long to begin with. There’s this nagging idea that I won’t get anything, won’t be good at anything, won’t like anything… BAH!

Heading to the gym in a bit. Cardio tonite. This weekend is the company picnic. End of next month we’re going to see Otto’s family… tickets are looking like about $5o0 total round trip. It annoys me, but it doesn’t seem like even if we had gotten them sooner it would have been any cheaper.

I’m sick of school even though I like certain aspects of it. I like having my free time, lots and lots of it, and so that is what I don’t like about the idea of work or school… having to give up that free time. Being an adult. I just really don’t fucking want to do it… and I’ve spent the last 12 years of my life avoiding it.

My car is acting weird. I need to refill a tire as well.

Dammit… growing up totally bites ass!

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