Habits and priorities, Pt2

So what was my point?

#1. I slack off waay too much.
#2. I’ve given up.

I really do/have. In a lot of things. I fail to plan, fail to follow through on any given plan, I’m constantly hurried and rushed and doing something at the last minute. This “process” can and has “worked” for some things, like papers and homework… It’s just an all nighter the night before and the risking of a lower grade (or at least a lower quality than my standards might be). I can’t do that with some things. There isn’t an overnight “I need to fit into this dress the day after tomorrow” solution. I can’t slack off for months and suddenly be able to squat 300 pounds.

It all comes down to priorities. That which I make time for is that which is most important to me. Apparently, slacking off is important to me.

Which makes sense. Because, frankly, a job and all that shit kinda scares me. I think so does being on top of things.

Success scares me?
Maybe.

Ever feel like you should be apologizing for being smart/good/sucessful? Because I always did. In the same vein of not really knowing how to take a compliment, I’ve also never been able to feel ok with being proud of myself and my accomplishments. I’ve always felt I’m supposed to shrug it off like it’s nothing… modesty and all that, I guess.

Being different. Being smarter than everyone in my family. Having to pretend that I wasn’t. Getting into trouble (literally, I used to get yelled at for it) for getting a high achievement grade with a low effort grade. It’s not supposed to be a good thing to be smart and such. Humble, that’s what you’re supposed to be. Not allowed to take credit for your own achievements, no matter how hard won or how easily gained.

And frankly, growing up didn’t change anything. Get thin and the “Bitch” factor will kick in. When I was at my “peak,” a trip to Whole Foods resulted in anyone female and bigger than me giving me the Bitch look. I’m noticing that now that I’ve put a few pounds back on and fleshed out a bit again, suddenly that’s gone.

So, if I sit here as a slacker who only half-heartedly works out and eats well, I’m rewarded by everyone being nice and friendly, guys still look, and girls don’t hate me. If I work my ass off to work on my ass, I get chicks hating me and men that hold open doors for long time periods and generally act creepy. (I have mentioned the foot-fetish guy, haven’t I?)

If I succeed in other areas, it brings unwanted attention to me in much a similar way. People are bitchy or envious, and automatically chalk it up to I’m smart and they’re not.

I worry far too much.
I mean, without realizing it.
I’ve had so much holding me back that shouldn’t be, and it’s all such a lame-assed fucking excuse.

I’m not where I want to be.
I need to get there.
I need to actually act upon my plans and actually make plans.
I need to get my act together.
And I need to stop putting it off until I “have time.”
Because we always have time for what we deem important enough to have time for.

You know what’s fucked up?
I spend these entries basically whining about how I’m smart, and not ugly, and not fat, and have more money than I did as a kid.
Basically, I’m whining that my life sucks because it doesn’t suck.

My internal blatherings have always been this way, too.
It serves a purpose, to an extent. I can figure out what is going on in my head. I can slowly work out what the fuck is wrong with me in any given aspect. I can see the spots at which I fail. I can analyze why I fail, or at least don’t succeed. I can see where I went wrong.

The fixing… there’s the crux. Administering the cure apparently takes more than I have. More guts, more ambition, more something.

I write these as a way of working through, but then what?

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.