The mentality of the ex-fat chick
It’s hard.
It’s difficult to really see myself for what I am.
We always think we’re being “honest” with ourselves when we can plainly see all our flaws.
We never see the rest.
At least I don’t.
I’m so far removed from “fat Aoife” now that I have no basis for comparison. Which is prolly just as well because seriously… being “better” than 200 pounds is hardly an accomplishment or benchmark for future measurements.
I see that many of my clothes no longer fit. That’s hard to chalk up to a crappy dryer that shrinks everything. Things that still fit are snugger than they were/should be. I can’t say it helps that people tease that I’m pregnant. (I know it’s because I never drink and used to seriously not feel well enough to hang out (supposedly), but still. It ain’t helpin.) Neither does it help to be called a hottie by half drunk chicks that really say that to nearly everyone anyway. Hardly a serious noticement. Plus, in those instances it’s more of a dressed well kind of thing.
So, if even at my smallest and tightest I can’t invoke the reactions some chicks can… obviously I wasn’t hot enough. (can’t be a face thing, since some of these chicks have faces that aren’t looked at for good reason.)
I can’t tell if it’s worth the effort. I can’t tell if it fucking matters what my weight is. I can’t tell if it’s a bad idea to toss out all that doesn’t fit and go buy a new wardrobe of clothes that do. Obviously I can maintain this weight/size, so it’s not like I’d have to worry about creeping up again… this seems to be an easy natural place to be. I can’t tell if it’s worth the effort to work for what I want.
I mean, still go to the gym, still lift and cardio and shit… because I have all those other goals…
But maybe wanting to be hot is stupid and unreasonable. I didn’t have far to go before… and I still seemed nowhere near there.
You know what sucks? I can’t complain. Because, if I do I have people saying I’m fine and I look ok and crap. People who think it helps somehow to give their lame-assed opinions that don’t ever have any feeling behind them until they’re trying to be reassuring. It’s fucking annoying and patronizing. How the fuck is an opinion real if it never comes out unless under duress?
Just another reason to not bother. Right?
This isn’t one big moment of self pity. I’m just trying to really see what I think is worth it. I’m having a really hard time with eating. I completely lack the discipline to keep track, to keep at a deficit, to stay away from the Babyruth. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m fucking sick of fighting tooth and nail for every fucking inch.
It would be easier to cut so low that I barely eat. Because then I wouldn’t have to keep track, I could learn to ignore my hunger, I might actually get somewhere.
But that’s bad. That’s what people tell me. That’s what I tell people. Starving yourself is stupid. It may get you somewhere, but it’s usually not the place you want to be, and the road is brutal. The composition you’re left with is undesirable. You have no energy. You’re constantly in a bad mood.
But, if it would pull 5 pounds a month off me, it’d only need to be 4 months.
And this is why I’m saying I’m having issues seeing truth. So does everyone, I suppose. Conflicted, unsure, bored, impatient, apathetic…
I can’t look in the mirror and see a body I want to have. Just because I’m “not fat” doesn’t really mean anything.
But I was just as unhappy at 125 and couldn’t be where I wanted to be.
So, does the weight matter? Does the size matter? Is it worth the effort?
sigh
I have homework to get done. Prolly won’t get it done, either.
oh well.