sinking

I feel like I’m drowning. Being pulled under, ever deeper and deeper. It’s cold, the light is fading, and it seems it’d all just end if I sleep. No more thrashing, struggling… just quiet oblivion.
Nearly to the point of spinning out of control, it’s hard to keep a grip on everything. It’s slipping out of my grasp.

Between stupid little things here and there, the fact that my proposal for my english paper is due friday and I haven’t really started on it… the fact that the paper is actually due the 11th… It’s 25% of my grade, which is currently a 92. I can bang out something, but the whole urge to avoid the whole thing is overwhelming at the moment.

I don’t feel like writing, I don’t feel creative. I don’t feel like anything but a failure at the moment.
No, it’s not another “Aoife’s meds are doing whacky things” moment, just that whole “I’m imperfect and can’t handle it” thing.
I’m hoping if I purge this I’ll feel better, be able to move on, stop the fast sink to the bottom.

I’m really bothered by the fact that the people at US Fitness Products are such dickweeds. They take a fucking deposit for something (the elliptical we were supposed to be able to get monday) and then sell it on us. We had been thinking about not getting it, since at the moment we have the gym membership and could honestly think of better things to do with the money like a new living room floor, but felt badly because we were keeping them from being able to sell it to someone else. So we were gonna get it anyway.

Then, we find out they sold it anyway. So, what the fuck? Apparently a deposit means nothing. Fine, now no need to feel badly about cancelling the purchase. Go to tell them, get a fucking guilt trip about how we’d kept them from being able to sell it “5 times over.” What the fuck?!? They did sell it. Even with our fucking hold money. And you CANNOT sell ONE thing 5 times, so really all we did was delay their profit on that one for a week. THEY STILL SOLD THE FUCKER! If they had sold it sooner to someone, they wouldn’t have had anything for the rest of that time ANYWAY!

So, whereas before I did actually feel badly and would have gotten it, now I don’t want the damn thing (from them) and don’t ever want to do business with them again. And I want to make sure anyone I know doesn’t go to them for anything. The one in Cary I have a strong suspicion has an embezzling employee, and has overcharged us for weights in the past. It was only a couple bucks, so at the time it wasn’t worth it to us to bother getting it back, but seriously. Hell, the dude didn’t even know the difference between a standard and an oly bar, and charged us oly price for a standard curl bar. We returned that, since we didn’t really want it anyway… even the real price from them was more than elsewhere, and we pretty much decided to only go there for things we really needed that we couldn’t find elsewhere. Their prices for simple things like weights is remarkably high. Unfortunately, they’re the only place we’ve been able to find local for some things, and that just sucks. And we had high hopes for the one in Raleigh, but after this debacle, fuck em.

Don’t want to give us our measly bit of cash back, even though it meant nothing to them for the sake of holding the fucker.

So honestly, I just really can’t deal with this shit. And there are plenty of other things at the moment I’m getting all anxious over, both real and imagined worries. My stomach is in knots, my head hurts like hell. I really just want it to go away. I’m sick of having to deal with assholes, I’m sick of not just being able to get work done because I’m constantly dealing with other crap, even if it’s just lingering in my mind, stealing my attention, scattering my wits, and generally making me want to retreat.

Which, of course, brings me to the issue of hating being like this in the first place. Like, what the fuck happened to me that I have this issue? It’s nothing huge, really. All problems are solvable, there’s really nothing to get super worked up over, and yet the anxiety is just fucking huge, the need to withdraw overwhelming. So now I feel like a silly girl unable to cope with simple fucking problems. I feel weak and trampled and it’s fucking annoying.

I just feel overwhelmed at the moment, and like I’m falling apart a little. It’ll pass, it always does. I just wish I could keep it from happening in the first place.
sigh

2 Responses to “sinking”

  1. Seattle Says:

    Looking at name on door……Did I walk into psychotic_btch’s blog????

    Cheer up Buckeroo….Things will get better!

  2. Seattle Says:

    Ok….Insert the finger here….I know its coming ; -)

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