Realization of hotness
So it has occurred to me what, in part, my problem is. With this whole “unattainable ideal of perfection” thing when it comes to my body.
If I wanna look at an average level of attractivness in a chick, I can just stare in the mirror. As such, I only tend to find chicks of exceptional attractiveness hot. And, if I wanna be hot, I have to be that.
It’s a bit mixed up, I suppose, but that’s where the problem lies. Just like I don’t see myself as more than marginally smart, I don’t see myself as more than average in looks. It’s not that I need to be “best” or something… It’s that I need to be better than I am, and the only thing I really recognize as better than me is rather exceptional.
In intellect, I’ve already come to the realization that I am, in fact, above average. And that I’m rather high above average. And that average is much lower than me.
But in looks… I just don’t see myself as terribly good looking. I mean, I’ve come to realize I’m prettier than I thought I was as a kid, and that part of my problem was likely a real lack of any reinforcement along those lines. (Things like looks aren’t important, and pretty usually = dumb… that kind of thing.) I guess really when I look at myself, I’m not that bad. Hence the staring when I’m out and such. But since I don’t really see it, I don’t really believe it.
When you’re reletively high up, there’s not too much room for improvement, and improvement is always a percentage of what there is to improve. So… it’s slow going as you get near the top.
I just wasn’t really ever encouraged to believe I was all that high… not since I was rather young. Those are other issues tho, that don’t mean much at the moment. If what’s important is that I know I can improve, and that I have potentially unrealistic expectations of myself, it changes my understanding of the nature of things and how it all fits together.
I’m thinking that for the most part, this is odd mindless wandering drivel to anyone but me, but that’s ok. I’m all that’s important here.