Reflections of a Past Life

So I’m sitting here, having just finished cleaning a bit, with a cutely sleeping husband in the living room, dishwaser going, not bothering with music, about to check in on what homework I have and then go clean the car… and I’m realizing how incredibly happy I am.

I mean, I’m not exstatic at the moment or anything, but I mean just in my life in general. I remember feeling so incredibly depressed in the past… feeling like a total failure, extremely fat, and nearly constantly unhappy. I remember being in this perpetual loop of “if only I had done something (go to school, lose weight, get a job, whatever) 6 months ago (or a year ago, or 2), things would be so much better, I’d not be here all stagnant and useless.”

And then a few months later I’d say it again. I remember crying myself to sleep… annoyed at the total waste I had become, wondering how I got there in the first place… thinking I’d never get out.

I’m not really a 100% sure how I got out of that, just as I’m not sure what exactly put me there in the first place. But… I’m better now. I don’t think people can ever be 100% happy and content 100% of the time… but I think I’m pretty close.

Life is more difficult than it was when I was fat and depressed. Money is not falling from trees, things are tight now and then…. but it doesn’t matter. I no longer have tons of free time as I did before… but then again, there are better things to do in a day than wallowing in self pity and regret.

I’ve spent the last 2 years now ‘maintaining’ or trying to lose the ‘last 10′… damn that seems to take forever. My dicipline is not always up there. I can easily maintain clean eating, just not always at a significant deficit and activity level… I’m easily distracted and lay around too much. But, really, I’m ok with that. I mean, it sucks that I don’t have a bikini belly yet… but eventually I will.

I am in fantastic health, my husband is in fantastic health (when he’s not injuring something playing soccer), and I’m gonna get back into it. I hate the treadmill, and I think a trainer for the bike will help immensely. Then I’ll be probably willing to go out for rides occationally… which will help. I just need to find a cardio that I don’t mind doing. The impact of running is not for me. The jiggle hurts. heh… I’m not being metaphorical here… it really hurts. Biking will take care of that tho. I think that if we can keep the treadmill it would be nice, I’d like to have the option to occationally walk briskly at a 10% incline.

But, I’m basically at the point in my life where I really do know and believe that I can, in fact change my life. I just have to do it. I have to get off my ass and get it done. While I’m a fairly lazy person at heart… at least that’s how I see myself… well…I don’t really think that’s true. I think that is something I need to change. It’s not so much that I’m lazy as a daydreamer. I get ideas… and they’re not really ideas that can go on paper or in a list or something. I have a little philosopher inside my head. It’s good for introspection, for understanding myself, where I’ve been, and what I have become… but it’s absolutely the devil when it comes to getting some crap done. *laugh*

All in all, I don’t mind. It’s a good voice in my head. A voice that doesn’t ever say I can’t do something, never says I’m not good enough, never calls me a waste, never puts me down. If it makes me seem a bit dreamy at times….. so be it. It is my happiness… my passion… my ability to laugh and grow and appreciate beauty in all things, to live and love and see good in everything around me, my creativity, my energy, my spark, my ability to enjoy the simple act of sitting around looking at wind. It is the me I lost once, and so I hold it dearly, knowing full well what letting go will do to me.

I once thought I could never go back. Never regain the happiness and carefree life I once had. It is true, for though the past shapes me, it does so as I choose. Past happiness is of no use… it is the now, and the future that I work for. I cannot have the happiness of the past, but the happiness of the past pales in comparason to the happiness in my present, the happiness available in my future. I cannot go back, but I can move through and beyond. I can ascend. In many ways, I already have.

I don’t long for the ‘good old days’. Hell, they were never that great anyway. :D

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