Is there even something to forgive?

I haven’t written my dad in a while. Partly, it’s because the last letter I wrote was returned, apparently the NY correctional system requires full name in the return addy… Partly it’s because he was supposed to be moving soon but didn’t know when and I didn’t want a note to get lost…

But, mainly… I don’t really want to.

Sometimes, I feel badly… perhaps even slightly guilty for not writing. Mostly tho, I just don’t really care. I freely admit I’m selfish… but…

I don’t really want to rebuild a relationship… not really. I mean, it’s like this is all for him…
See…. apparently, what it takes to get him to actually write, and to return my letters, is to be stuck in prison, lonely, and with nothing better to do. Years of writing and never getting responses have made me less interested in bothering now. I don’t really need it, and I’m selfish enough to not necessarily give a fuck that he might need it.

Am I angry?

Well, yes… but it’s not really a personal anger. I don’t really feel hurt or betrayed much by him. I dislike hippocrates in general… and he’s a pretty big fucking hippocrate. I feel badly for my brothers, who lost their dad for 3 years and are potentially in a worse situation because his stupid-assed ex has a penchant for assfucks who like to beat their wives and children. I suppose I even feel badly for his ex… who certainly didn’t deserve him tearing apart her happy little home. I certainly feel badly for the 12 year old girl that got to touch his “little man”.

But I most certainly do not feel sorry for him. He is getting his just punishment. It’s his own fault that he spends a few years without his friends and family. Not like he was thinking about all that when he decided that a game of touchy-feely with a 12-year-old girl was a good idea.

But I also am not overly hurt by all this. Had he done worse, I might be. Now, as it is, if someone hears that my dad is in prison for touching a little girl… I only have to bear the question “Oh my gosh… did he….?”

NO. My daddy never did anything bad to me when I was little. My daddy never did anything bad to my sister either.

But other than that… it has very little impact on me. So, all in all I am not really hurt or angry. My mom will go on about how he “ruined my image of my daddy” or somesuch nonsense. Not really. It’s been a looooong-assed time since I thought I had this great and wonderful daddy.

I just… don’t really give a fuck.
And I’m a bit annoyed when people think I should.

I just don’t think that he necessarily deserves to have me write him, or send him things, or get him magazine subscriptions. I think it awfully rude of him to ask for some of these things, too. Asking my mom for money? I mean… puh-lease. *sigh*

I’ll get around to writing one of these days… but I really feel I have better things to do like blog and take pictures and paint. Heh… I should send my mom that still-life when I’m done with it. I’m curious if she’d bother doing anything with it.

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