bored in the barrel

music: none

Skipped putting things in here a bit, logs are at jps though, as usual.

muzik:
the way you like it - adema
power junkie - billy idol
the bad touch - bloodhound gang
crazy bitch - buckcherry
bitches - mindless self indulgence
like you want to believe - collide
powertrip - monster magnet
pour some sugar on me - cleaner (awsum cover, actually)
army of me - björk

music:
intoxication - disturbed
all my life - foo fighters
tainted love - manson
pride - u2
without me - eminem

My closet has been a mess prolly for the majority of the time we’ve been in the house. It’s 8′x14′ and just accumulates shit. Clothes, boxes, stuff I donno what else to do with… A lot of my subconscious was in that closet. I cleaned it this weekend.

I donated 2 gynormious bags of clothing to goodwill. All of it stuff I’ve been meaning to for a long time, but haven’t. Some shit I’ve had since high school (yes, going on 15 years now, I know) and there’s no way I’d wear them again. I had questionable taste in high school… didn’t everyone?

Anyway… I also got rid of my fat clothes. I kinda had thought we’d already gotten rid of them, but no. Size 16s and 18s galore, none cute or nice or in any way meant to make a girl feel good about herself. I donno if it was just that there wasn’t decent shit around or if it was that I was shopping in the wrong places. I tried hard to find shit that wasn’t either matronly or butch, but… well… It was all pretty much fug.

And still in my closet. Like I’d need it again one day.

When? How could I possibly let myself get back to that particular level of hell? Why?

Did I sabotage myself with the knowledge that if I fucked up the worst that was gonna happen was that I was gonna have to wear some fug polyester dress till I took the weight back off? Maybe. Probably.

Hell, it’s not even like some of this shit was packed up. I had on one long rack size 3 to size 16. The 18s were packed.

So everything that was too big, too ugly, or too slutty (regardless of size) was out. I shit you not when I say the bags were hyooge. Like… mondo construction drum liners… easily 70-100 pounds of clothing in each. And that wasn’t everything, that’s just the stuff I hauled out before heading to goodwill that wasn’t just trash.

There’s really no reason to keep anything bigger than I can wear. I mean, I shouldn’t be needing it. Right? RIGHT!?!

So there’s a problem there. I had in the back of my head that I might need it. Of course I wouldn’t. Except that by thinking I would, I went ahead and made sure I did.

Of course, it’s all to ugly to wear so I had to buy new shit anyway. And I had gotten very little on my rapid decent… I wore size 16 jeans until I got 10s until I got 5s.

But knowing that shit was there to catch me made it far safer to fall. If you know letting go means certain fucking death, you cling to that and don’t let yourself fall. If you know there’s something to catch you?

So they’re gone. And as I dig myself out of this whole mess I’ve gotten myself into the things I have now will go. It’ll be painful if I gain weight. It’s be painful to the bank account as well as everything else. It’ll require action besides reaching further back into the closet. And the action it’ll require will be jolt enough to realize something is fucking wrong again and needs fixing.

I didn’t think it could happen, but I knew it would somewhere in my mind and it did. Now I know it can, and did, and will again if I am not vigilant and determined. And I will be. Cuz there isn’t the safety net.

And really, what grown woman needs a frickin Star Trek Tshirt anyway?

music:
opticon - orgy
the beautiful people - manson
i stand alone - godsmack
iron head - zombie (and ozzy)
spookshow baby - zombie
figured you out - nickelback
all my life - foo fighters
situation - godsmack

shoot, forgot to add yesterday’s cardio.

That’s 140 on deads, not 150. Bad loading of the bar.

music:
eurotrash - zeromancer
idiot music - zeromancer
house of cards - zeromancer
raising hell - zeromancer
how high - tricky
what kind of love are you on - aerosmith
figured you out - nickelback
switchback - celldweller
i stand alone - godsmack
love in an elevator - aerosmith
famous last words- zeromancer

music:
what you waiting for - gwen stefani
i think i’m paranoid - garbage
mysterious ways - u2
make me believe - godsmack
the hand that feeds - nin
without me - eminem

Had 2 teeth filled, mouth still all numb. Sucks.

I went with cover songs today…
Music:
99 red balloons - goldfinger
spin me round - dope
i will always love you - jack off jill
land of confusion - disturbed
shout - disturbed
bizarre love triangle - stabbing westward
i melt with you - mest
tainted love - manson
blue monday - orgy

music:
u2
zeromancer
manson
collide
billy idol
eminem
godsmack
disturbed
duran duran
other shit…

So I took yesterday off. I was just unable to squat, and it seemed to me that my fun time with wii fit was also just adding to the soreness. So a day off, some light stretching and whatnot, and I’m feeling much better today. Today is squat day.

I’m also planning on adding in some HELL stuff to my workouts. Today is a nice day for a bike ride, I have to mow… so I have a couple things to move me around, and I will do soon since I’m having lunch out with Otto.

I hate TGI Friday’s website, and apparently you can’t have nutrition info on it, so I’ll have to look elsewhere to see how much yesterday cost me (yes, the steamed, plain, nothing on it broccoli is prolly gonna kill me.)

Got We Ski yesterday, because we were mistaken in thinking that Lego Indy came out this week, when it doesn’t (bummer) and so got that instead. Is fun, will be more fun when I figure out how to do more stuff with it. But overall, I’m spending less time on my ass than in previous summers.

GAH!

It’s killing me. People using excel for fucking everything. Oh hey, it’s a grid, I’ll use it. Ugh.
What the hell?

I know… I know… ya have no idea how bad it looks. Ya think excel and word are fine for all your needs, and can’t imagine how they couldn’t be. SHEESH. Excel is a spreadsheet. FOR SPREADSHEETING. Numbers, adding, complex equations, amortization tables.. Word is for writing letters and essays. Neither are meant for more than that. Why the hell do people use them for every damn thing under the sun?

*puke*

Why? I don’t get it. If you want a grid, go buy some damn gridded paper.

When you excel for things like recipes, address books, workout logs, inventories, or just as a way to get a purty grid… you make me cry.

And god kills a kitten.

Music: none

music:
electric head pt2 - zombie
i stand alone - godsmack
wing of steel (core mix) - collide
figured you out - nickelback
make me believe - godsmack
spookshow baby - zombie
mysterious ways - u2
all my life - foo fighters
fear of dying - jack off jill
beautiful people - manson
opticon - orgy
without me - eminem

It was very late. I was tired. Took it super easy (as one can tell by the low squat weight) and didn’t do anything else but a bit of wii fit as warmup.

music: none

Music: none

Yeah, fuck it right in the ear.
Fuck it. Fuck it hard. Fuck it and forget it.
Why?
Because it’s fucking flighty as hell, a fair-weather friend, and because you like to use it’s lack of presence as an excuse to not do what needs to be fucking done.

Are you fucking motivated to breathe?

What the hell does motivation really get you? What does inspiration get you? What does anything you have to wait around for get you?

Fucking nothing but a fat ass and NOTHING DONE.

Fuck it.

“But I’m not motivated,” you say.

So what?

Do it any way. Get off your lazy, sorry, procrastinating ass and DO IT.

Go fucking lift something heavy. Take a goddamn walk. Cook a healthy meal. Just fucking do it already, ok? You can whine about your lack of motivation while you’re sweating. You can swear at its inconsistency while you bust your ass to reach your “goal.”

Why do I say “goal” and not goal? Because it’s not your fucking goal if you just want to wish for it and do nothing to accomplish it.

You know what? Life is full of distractions, demotivators, excuses, good enoughs, and your fucking willingness to sit on your fucking ass and whine all damn day about them.

If it needs to be done, do it. Simple as that.

If there’s nothing actually wrong with your sorry ass other than sheer laziness and “lack of motivation” then just get the hell up and get your ass moving.

Come the fuck on.

Seriously. What the hell is so bad about your damned life that you need someone to save your sorry ass? Need someone or something to motivate you? Puh-leeze. You lazy shit.

“Oh, it’s not fun,” you whine.

So what? Neither is your stupid job, right? Or school. Or whatever the hell other million and one things you have to do every. damn. day. of your life that you do anyway, without fail. Maybe you’re motivated to. Maybe it’s habit. Or maybe you just fucking know it fucking needs to be done and so you just fucking do it.

Why the hell do you feel the fucking need to drain the life out of everyone around you by making them motivate you? Are you that damn important? Really? Why not just give a little and motivate them by doing the work you need to do. Set an example, don’t bleed them dry.

Seriously. It just needs to get done. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel like it. If you don’t want to. If you don’t feel motivated to. If it’s not fun.

Stop breathing.

What happens?

Everything just goes black.

Is that what you really want?

Oblivion?

All because your motivation left you?

Just get up. It’s not hard, I promise. You’ll feel better afterward. You’ll be proud, accomplished, and definitely humbled because you are NOT what you once were. But that is the past and the past can’t help you now, unless you let it. The past can’t drag you down unless you let it. Be better than the past. Be more than just what you used to be. Don’t worry about being motivated. It NEEDS to be done.

So go.

Now.

Do.

deadlift
db curl to press OH squat
pushup
neg pullup
front plank
glute bridging
stair runs

music:
idiot music - zeromancer
how high - tricky
animals - nickelback
switchback - celldweller
what kind of love are you on - aerosmith
raising hell - zeromancer
figured you out - nickelback
love in an elevator - aerosmith
i stand alone - godsmack
eurotrash - zeromancer

Nothing terribly interesting.

I got a new tablet yesterday, the thing us hyooge! I hearts it berry much.

My favourite lolz for the day:

Someone bought me and nicknamed me on friends for sale… and Otto doesn’t yet have the cash to buy me back.

My kittehz needs them some vet appointments, though I doubt they’ll approve.

I fell asleep for an accidental nap that lasted an hour. It’s not my fault. The bed tripped me. And then a kitteh got on top of me and licked my arm into submission. Now my arm smells like cat spit. Apparently it’s now clean.

I’m having a hard time. I have all day to do stuff, but today has been mostly petting fluffs. Why? Donno. Killing time, I guess. Oddly satisfying, maybe.

Stan is in the box the scanner came in. Flipper is rather interested. Stan is eating the foam wrapper. I have no idea why, but these dudes LOVE foam… in all kinds of foams. Weird.

Workout coming up in a bit, although traps are sore from pulling yesterday. Prolly some cardio and shoulder prehab. Have I mentioned I hate shoulder prehab? Because I do. I hate things that remind me how much I suck. I hate the scale today too, but not as much as I have the last 2 weeks. Not so much progress, but coming to terms with the fact that I have really let myself go.

I’m going back to working on the household budget and getting all our records in order and working on Werkit.com. This is just another bunch of minutes I’m happily frittering away. I’m overall content, if feeling a bit lazy. Finally relaxed.

Do have a nice day. Waste a few minutes doing nothing. I promise the world won’t end.

Done with New Rules of Lifting for Women. All logs are up and usable.
Continuing on with redesign and overhaul, as Otto’s week+-long headache seems to be subsiding some and likely that means we can just bang out a few things and have a somewhat finished, as in started, site in a month or so.

personal:
physical, bloodwork, and hep vaccine today.
then proceeded to start working on the front courtyard.
I’m tired.
haven’t worked out yet, but will. just tuckered at the moment. yardwork does that to me.
wish the mower worked, and prolly so do my neighbors. the push mower doesn’t cut the really tall grass seed stalks, unfortunately. donno what’s wrong with the mower, it just don’t seem to start.

Back to work then.

So I have stages 1-5 finished, refinished, and finished again. Sigh. Damn stupid mid-plan changes that I forget to retroactivate. Yes, dammit, it’s a word. Bite me.

Ok, so the New Rules of Lifting (NRoL) logs are finished and up and have been.

The New Rules for Women logs are somewhat up (1-4 atm) and the rest are going up in a bit.

That then leaves me to start slowly working on the TNT logs and some other random stuff, as well as site redesign. Which, actually, is going rather splendidly and I muchly like the new design to the old one that’s so generic paper napkins are more innovative.

I’ve had my couple days of just braindeadness coupled with restlessness and spurts of ideas and “let’s do everything at once” moments. Now I’m just finishing some lingering details of things hanging over my head before truly moving on and powering ahead.

Training logs aside, training has been ok. Not swimmingly yet, but ok. I’m regaining my endurance, conditioning, and whatnot… though not yet my absolute drive and resolve. That’s ok. I just need to do it for now, and not hate it. It has to be done. Something does. It doesn’t always have to be full throttle (though that would be nice to be back into that groove)… but also the food needs working on. Got some minor groceries, enough to stop the muffin excuse (I don’t even like them all that much anyway) and have real food lined up.

So, I’m getting there.

But I need to be in a successful mindset if I want to succeed… in either business or personal endeavors, and for once I’m really there. I know I can do this shit, really.
And I have a whole summer of time to do it in.

I’m really getting too old for this school crap. Just so glad another semester is done. Hating the toll I let it take on my body, not knowing if I can get all the way back to where I want to be in three months, but willing to work my ass off to try.

Update on Werkit coming soon. Slowly building everything.

Bunch of stuff to do this weekend, everything hopefully leaving me clean for monday for real work of my own to begin.

I fucked my average. Ended Type with a B. Dammit, fucking rubber cement and not being able to run home for forgotten shit.

Oh well.

I’m so tired.
Brain skittering back and forth between freed to think and explore and create… and just fucking broken.

Over the summer I’ll be working on spanish so that I can test out of the next class necessary… since they won’t offer it, and jump to the following one… since I’ve apparently decided I need a minor to keep me busy in school longer. What the fuck?

When you tell someone “I’m not doing fall plays” and then they put you in one… what do you really say to that? Like, dude, seriously?

So yeah, feel free to check out werkit… because it’s what I’m working on this summer, to get live in just a few short months. And hopefully Otto doesn’t have to work anymore dicky 12 hour shifts. Because that shit shouldn’t happen on a decent project manager’s watch.

I keep getting gmails. Like, one every minute. Bizarre.

Have I mentioned I’m tired?
Have I mentioned I’m bored?

I’m not bored, I’m just too tired to do work and too tired to think up something to do, but I’m not sleepy and it’s only 1030. Otto is in bed. Hopefully his headache is gone.
Uploaded some more photos to flickr. Need to get my portfolio, forgot to grab it today. Got an A, that’s nice. Still fucked the average tho.

Oh well.

Isn’t it always how the last bit of a semester goes? There’s not much left, just all this crap. A few things that are kinda big. Nothing too bad.
A scene to memorize for a final grade in acting.
Lighting for the dance and poetry readings for student showcase.
Refinement of a previous presentation so that I can present at showcase.
Lighting for the dance concert.
A paper for fencing.
Final shitton of darkroom time printing workprints to be done by thursday.
Finish current type project.
One more type project that’s on the computer and won’t be nearly as consuming since I know what I’m doing and don’t really need help.
And, if I decide I want to act next year, memorize a monologue for audition.

I’ve put some work prints up on flickr to be able to have around, since that’s all the work I’m really doing right now. No painting, no plaster fun, just photos and photos and photos. My hands smell like fixer faar too often, considering it’s not a pleasant smell.

Doing ok. Trying to not get behind, which vaguely feels like I’m behind, but I’m getting everything together to not have that problem. I want to be sane this last month.